Babar vs the hunter and westboro baptist church 1

What happens when the 80s televisions most beloved elephant meets his not-quite dead old enemy and the world's biggest (and most infamous) non-conservative hate group? Hillarity!

“May I come out now Caleste?” King Babar called from inside his room.

“Not yet Babar.” Caleste replied.

“I don’t see why I’ve got to stay in here.” Babar said. “I mean who could possibly be coming that would require me to wait in here until they show up?”

“It’s a surprise.” Caleste replied.

Babar was confused. As the king of Calesteville, and the one who had saved his herd from the hunter  and introduced them to civilization, he deserved info on these matters.

All of a sudden, Babar's two trusted advisors, Cornelius and Pompadour showed up.

"I say Caleste, how is our king doing?" he asked.

"He's wondering why he has to stay in his room until the guest shows up." Caleste replied. "By the way, any news from madame?"

"She called and said she would be there with...you know who very shortly."

"I'd love to know who that "you know who" is." Babar said.

"You'll find out soon enough." Caleste said.

For those who do not know about Babar, here's a quick summary: born to an initially non civilized herd of elephants, Babar lived his friends and mother happily in the jungle..until one day, a cold hearted hunter came and threatened their existence. Babar's mother had been shot carrying her son to safety, leaving him very upset (sound familiar?) But while preventing the hunter from shooting another friend of his, he got separated from the fleeing group and eventually wound up in Paris France, where a kind lady took him in. After learning Babar could speak, she taught him the ways of mankind, and he returned to his herd and used his knowledge to rid themselves of the hunter and to start a civilization. After successfully doing the latter of the two, Babar was appointed king after the old one died from eating poisoned mushrooms and they built a city in the jungle known as "Calesteville". While the hunter did initially recover from his shock of talking animals and tried to attack the now civilized herd once again, he eventually was engulfed in an enormous fire which HE had started and appeared to be dead. Eventually Babar married his friend Caleste and had four children named Pom, Alexander, Flora and Isabelle.

“Mom, mom they’re here!” Alexander cried running.

“Alright Babar, come on out.”

Babar slowly opened the bedroom door looking awfully confused.

“So, who is this guest who’s coming to visit me? Jean de Brunhoff?”

“No sireee! Even better!” Pompadour said with excitement.

“By tusks, much better!” Cornelius added.

“Well, alright. Let’s go see the visitor.” Babar said and followed the group out to the palace front door. There was Madame.

“Madame?” Babar asked.

“Hello Babar.” Madame said smiling. “I haven’t seen you in quite a while!”

“It’s good to see you too, but...I don’t understand why I had to wait in my room until...”

“She’s not the surprise guest Babar.” Caleste said smiling.

“Then who is?” Babar asked.

Everyone smiled. And the guest entered...Babar nearly fainted.

"M...mother?!" Babar gasped.

“Hello my little...I mean...big Babar!” she said with tears in her eyes.

Babar ran over and started hugging and kissing her.

“Oh mother...I’ve missed you so much!” he cried.

“I’ve missed you too dear.” she said. “But I’m very proud of you.”

“But....I don’t understand.” said Babar. “The hunter shot you dead years ago....”

“Babar, I’ll explain everything in a moment.” she said. “But first we’d like to meet your family.”

“We?” Babar asked.

Just then, another elephant stepped out. A male one.

“Babar...this is your father. Roubelard.”

“Hello son.” Roueblard said smiling. “It’s so wonderful to meet you in person. I can’t tell you how proud it is to have you for a son.”

Babar was petrified.

“Come on, we’ll talk in the living room son.” Babar’s mother whose named was Adeline said.

in the living room everyone sat down by the warm fire getting reaquainted.

"Hello Caleste. You've grown up so much." Adeline said.

'Thank you Adeline." Caleste said. "Children, come meet your grandmother."

“So you must be my grandchildren.” Adeline said. "Flora, Pom, Alexander and...Belle?"

"Isabelle." she corrected.

"Oh right sorry!" she said. "Oh it's so nice to meet you four at last!"

“That’s right grandma!” Pom replied.

“It’s so crazy that you’re alive.” Alexander said.

“Alexander!” Caleste scolded.

“No, he’s right.” Adeline said smiling. “It IS crazy. It’s a crazy story too.”

“I’d really love to hear it.” Babar said.

“And so you shall.” Adeline said. "I hear you enjoy telling your kids stories about your past...now it's time they hear the one you never mentioned."

"What happened, were you zapped by lightning and returned to life?" Alexander asked.

"What's he talking about?" Adeline asked confused.

"Son, your grandmother isn't too aware of human life yet." Babar said. "Please tell us mother. We're dying to hear."


“Well that day the hunter first arrived in our jungle I was indeed shot by the hunter...but in the leg. However, I knew the hunter would stop chasing you if he thought I was dead and had succeeded in catching an elephant, so I pretended tovdrop down dead and let him capture me.”

“You pretended you were dead to save us all Adeline?” Cornelius asked.

“Yes.” Babar’s mother replied. “And most of all, my little Babar.”

Babar blushed.

“Oh, I remember you crying when you thought I was dead that day...I really wanted to tell you I was fine sweetie, but I knew that I had to protect you, so I just laid there acting lifeless. Fortunately, the hunter never checked my pulse and when left to get his men to start cuting my ivory up.  I made a dash for it. I tried to find the herd again, but never had any luck...so I went to find your father Roueblard in Rhino Land."

“Why were you in Rhinoland?” Babar asked.

“Babar...when your mother was pregnant with you, she had a disease..so to cure her, I needed a flower from otuside Rataxes cave. He agreed on condition that I would be his ramming post for the next three years. With no other options I agreed. Your mother and I both agreed that it would be better if you met me AFTER the deal was paid off, because we felt you would be ver upset if you met me but then could rarely see me...”

"I found your dad and explained what had happened. He agreed that I had done a very brave thing and Rataxes agreed to let me stay with him and be Basil's (King Rataxes sycophant right hand mans) ramming post. However, we soon discovered everything you had done and wanted to leave the now civilized Rhinoland to come and see you...but Rataxes wouldn't let us..so we tried sneaking out one night...but got caught and received another 30 years of being their ramming posts. But we finally got released and found Madame who helped US becomecivilized too. We want to live in your palace too sweetie."

“wHy of course!” Babar cried. "And tomorrow, I'm going to have a few words with Rataxes about this prisoner thing.

"Forget it Babar." said Caleste. "We don't want anymore trouble with him."

"Very well." said Babar. "But as for you two, I'd like to organize a welcoming ceremony for you both! Cornelius, when's the soonest we ca do it?"

“Tonight, if you;d like siree.” Cornelius said.

“Very well! Pompadour, get the whole kingdom outside the palace at once!”

"Yes sir!" Pompadour cried proudly.

"I still think you should have clobbered Rataxes." Roueblard said. "He's a total dork...save for the time he started taking that new medication and became a power hungry tyrant who tried to overthrow your kingdom and enslave the elepahtns forever."

"Lady Rataxes burned all those pills ages ago." said Adeline. "But no, i agree with Caleste. Avodiing trouble is the best thing to do.

Soon all of Calesteville was there at the ceremony, the front row seat being saved for Caleste's brother ARthur and their best friend Zephir the monkey, who ran the local malt shop.

"It's so nice to be meeting Babar's parents huh Arthur?" Zephir asked.

"I'll say." ARthur replied. "I never knew his father and only knew his mom very briefly."

Babar meanwhile was getting into his best suit and preparing himself to go on stage.

“Need some help dear?” Adeline asked her son kindly.

“I’ll be quite alright mother.” Babar said smiling.

“I’m very proud of you son.” she said kissing him.

“I am too Babar.” Roueblard added. “I wish I knew you when you were just a boy.”

“I had help.” he said modestly.

“It’s time sirree.” Pompadour said to Babar.

“Righto.” Babar said bracing himself. “Now mother, father, wait from outside the balcony door and come out when I tell you to.”

As Babar stepped onto the palace Balcony, everyone started applauding and cheering.

“Citizens of Calesteville!” Babar announced. “As many of you remember, it was a tragic day when the hunter attacked our jungle! And for years I believed that my mother had been one of his victims. But on this day, she has returned alive and well! And a true hero, for it was faking her death that saved us all from that menace yeras ago!  And now citizens, for the first time in years, I welcome my mother and my father to meet you all!”

Roueblard and Adeline stepped onto the balcony next to their son and CAleste and waved.

“I say Pompadour, are you crying?” Cornelius asked Pompadour.

“What? Oh no Cornelisus!” Pompadour said. “I just...was hot..”

“In Springtime.” Cornelius chuckled. “OH Pompadour...”

But suddenly, the mood was shattered by shouting, screaming and booing.

Everyone turned to find a group humans...not hunters but picketers! They were all shouting and booing and holding signs that said stuff like "ANIMALS SHOULD BE SEEN, NOT HEARD!” “ANIMALS WEARING CLOTHES IS AN ABOMINATION TO OUR LORD!” “ANIMALS ARE NOT PEOPLE!” "CIVILIZED ANIMALS ARE WORSE THAN THE FAGS! THEY NEED TO DIE!"

“Cornelius, go down and see what those humans are doing here.” Babar ordered.

Cornelius went.

“I say, who are you people and why are you picketing our ceremony?” Cornelius asked.

Just then an elderly man in a cowboy hat came. It was Reverannd Fred Phelps.

“I’m Fred PHelps, founder of the Westboro Baptist Church.” Phelps said angrily. “And we’re here because you elephants are an abomination to our Lord JEsus Christ!”

The picketers all cheered in agreement.

Just then Babar came down.

“What on earth are you talking about?” he asked.

“WE usually picket fag funerals and ceremonies. " Phelps explained. "But you animals are far worse! God created humans as the dominant species on our earth.” Phelps said. “Animals were created for the use of humans. You animals wearing clothes, being civilized and intelligent is going against the way of life that the Lord made! You animals are the biggest rebellions against God's authority that we have ever seen! the biggest outrage we’ve ever seen! It’s bad enough fags are allowed human rights and protection, but you animals are the crossing line! When Stuart Pinsent gets that Calesteville PRotection Act revoked, we’re blowing your brains out!”

“Who’s Stuart Pinsent?” Pom asked confused.

Babar gasped. Stuart Pinsent was the name of the hunter who had terrorized them years ago! But he had died in that fire!

"You must be mistaken." Babar said trying to be calm. "Pinsent died in a fire years ago, and..

Madame looked nervous. “Um Babar....”

“Madame, is there something you know?!” Babar cried.

“Babar, I'm sorry.” she said. “I know I should have told you earlier, but I just couldn’t scare you. The hunter survived the fire. His men came back for him and took him straight to the emergency room. He was horribly injured and burned, but he received extensive medical treatment and...he turned out alright. It twas years before he could walk again and  by that time, the CAlesteville Protection ACt was put into effect.

Everybody looked as if Rataxes had said he was gay!

“But it will be put OUT of effect very soon!” another voice said.

Everyone turned to find a man with a short beard standing there.

“Who are you?” Flora asked.

“David J. Stewart, founder of Jesusisthesavior.com.” he replied. “And while I do think the Westboro members take their homosexual proteseting too far, you elephants are another story! You are the greatest sin the earth has ever had! Animals are to be BELOW humans! It’s the law of God!”

"We're gonna blow your f---ing brains out when that act is revoked." said Phelps. "We'd do the same to fags if we could."

“Well, I find that quite outrageous if I do say so!” Pompadour cried.

“And we find it quite outrageous that you’re a talking animal AND a fag!” Fred Phelps screamed at Pompadour.

“What?!” Pompadour gasped. “ME?! Homosexual? Why on earth would you think that?”

Everyone looked at each other nervously..

“I come off as gay sirree?” Pompadour gasped.

“That’s not important right now Pompadour.” Babar said and turned to the WEstboro Baptist church picketers.

“Listen very carefully!” he said. “You all leave my kingdom at once! This was supposed to be the happiest day of my life and you’re ruining it!”

“Like we care ya spawn of Satan!” a picketer yelled.

“I’ll have you know that I got the best of that hunter twice! As a boy! And I’m going to stop him yet again! In court!”

“Don’t you DARE come to that trial!” Phelps screamed. “You animals have no place in our society!”

“We do and we will!” Babar said. “We’re leaving tomorrow!”

Everyone started booing and shouting at the elephants again, when a swarm of cars pulled up and helicopters started landing. And out came newsreporters running up to Babar.

“King Babar, are you nervous about your protection being in jeopardy?!”

“Do you plan to come to the trial next week?!”

“What do you plan to do if the ACt is revoked?!”

"Are you going to come to America?!"

“No comment! No comment!” Babar said.

A newsporter than came and stepped in front of Babar.

“Hi, I’m here in Calesteville with King Babar himself! As you all know, this elephant, who introduced something the world had never seen before: a society of civilized animals with total protection from hunters and shooting. But now for the first time, these rights are in jeapordy! As retired game hunter Stuart  Laurent Pinsent, who had been a targeting these elephants before their step to civilization is suing to have the Act revoked on the grounds that they do not deserve the protection! Will he succeed?”

“He sure as hell will!” Fred Phelps cried.

“He’s going to purify the sin you see before you!” David J. Steart addded.

“Unbelievable! Here we have Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred PHelps and founder of the wesbite Jesusisthesavior.com come David J. Stewart. Both of whom are infamous for your notorious hate speech against homosexuality, feminism, abortion...”


None of the rpeorter noticed that the Calesteville citizens had left, while Babar and the other palace residetns along with Zephir and gone inside and barricaded the door!

“Daddy, I’m scared!” Flora cried.

“Everything will be fine FLora.” Babar said, though he wasn’t sure it would be.

“What if the act really is revoked and the hunter can come and kill us!?” Alexander asked in horror.

“Children, I defeated him twice! And I’ll do it again!” Babar said.

“I believe in your father children.” Madame said.

“I do too.” said Adeline. “He’s done so much since he was very young...I believe he can do almost anything.”

“Thank you mother.” said Babar. “Now, let’s all go,....wait aminute...where’s ISabelle?”

Everyone looked but realized they had left Isabelle outside!

“Come on Caleste.” Bbar said. “Mother, will you put my children to bed?”

“Of course dear.” Adeline said. “Come on kids.”

Caleste and Babar went out frantically searching for ISabelle when the journalists found them!

“King Babar, we’d like a few questions!” a reporter said.

“We’re looking for our youngest daughter Isabelle!” Babar cried. “HAs anybody seen her?”

“Here she is.” a voiced said.

Babar turned and gasped! There holding Isabelle’s hand...was the hunter! Babar could hardly believe that he had actually survived being engulfed by those flames, but it appeared to be so. The hunter now looked very different though. Nearlyall of his skin was badly burned and charred and what wasn’t was now just blood red scars. All of his hair was burned off leaving him bald as an egg, but there was still a bit of gray hair where hus mustache was. The hunter now looked just as awful on the outside as he was on the inside.

“Here you are.” the hunter said. “Least I could do since I’m going to shoot you and capture your kingdom in just a week!”

“In your dreams you son of a bitch!” Babar cried.

“We’ll see about that.” the hunter said. “I may regret ever attacking your herd to begin with as it made you elephants smart and civilized, but you made a fool of me and every hunter out there and we’re going to destroy you all as soon as the the Act is revoked!

“If you do get it revoked, we’ll stop you like we did the first two times!” Babar said.

“Good luck.” said the hunter. “Becaue just about every game hunter from every country is joining me on this hunt, along with the Westboro Baptist church whose gonna help the world realize that you animals are not deserving of protection! And I’m going to kill you AND your wife and brother in law!”

“Why?” Babar asked.

‘Because they helped you cause all that trouble that defeated me the first time.” said the hunter. “As for your kids, I might let them live and sell them...if you don’t give us much trouble during the hunt...”